Disaster on aisle…

Wait…who am I kidding, it wasn’t just one aisle. Stopping off for a few quick items before lunch today turned out to be a full-blown debacle.

Let me begin be saying that we started in the hole and the experience somehow degraded from there. After a lovely time at the bookstore where my little sweetie decided to see if she could outrun me the last few minutes of our trip, I told her to sit tight and we’d stop for a couple things at the grocery.

As we pulled in to park, a little voice asked, “Mommy, I’m sorry I didn’t listen good. (Pause to melt) Can we get a cart where you drive me and I drive the car?” She had just said something so sweet, I only have five items on the list, and I thought, what’s the worst that could happen?

Big mistake.

I help her wrestle her way into the cart as icicles form on our noses. I start to drive/skate my way into the store and run into two outdoor displays and the automatic doors while grabbing some greenery. We’ve only just begun. 

Being pregnant, it was nearly time for my 50^th trip to the potty. So we parked the car/cart monstrosity as far out of the way as we could and my little girl extricated herself from the cart so we could hit the restrooms. Ah, much better.

We grab a bundle of bananas, turn the S.S. Disaster Cart around and walk two feet before I hear, “Mommy, I have to go potty.” Turn the cart back around, park it and get her out again. This time the potty stop is wrought with drama. She tries to support herself with one of the handicap bars and I struggle to help keep her from falling backward into the toilet. The joys of parenthood.

I give instructions. She ignores me, probably thinking she’s doing a great service. I’m just worried she’ll regress two years if this ends up badly. Again, I’m pregnant and squatting down to hold her as she cranes herself backwards holding that darn bar. I tell her again to let go. She looks blankly at me, so I have to remove her hand before she and I both lose balance and fall in. She starts crying. This was not what I had in mind by stopping off for a few quick items!

We finish our crying jag/conversation and end up leaving without going. Awesome.

Back to the car/cart and start again. It’s lunchtime and this is supposed to be fast so we can grab some things and get out…Twenty minutes later we’re still stuck somewhere between produce and dairy. I bust into the grapes and rolls to try and stave off hunger crankies. Helps a little, but navigating the Disaster Cart around the tiny aisles has me ready to scream.

Somehow we work our way into and out of the aisles, hitting only a few innocent bystanders along the way and we’re ready to check out. She’s already crawling out of the cart and I’m trying to keep track of her as people go around us to other registers. Do you have your store card? Yes. Dig, digging. Found it. Where is she? Stuck between the cart from hell and the checkout counter. I help her out and keep piling the groceries, of which we have twenty or so – hey, I ran up a couple wrong aisles trying to turn the cart around, so we got what we got – and we paid.

You’d think the hard part was over, but she wanted back in the cart and I still had to trek back to the car. We only ran into one display, the door and the back end of our car before this time. She got out and decided that she wanted to roam free in the back of the car while I unloaded groceries. I think I growled and she got in her seat shortly after.

Kid locked in place. Groceries in. A neighbor stops us and we have a short chat. She is due in January, and looks fabulous. I’m due months later and feel like a cranky disheveled mess. Can we go home yet? She’s very nice, but I’m ready to eat my arm and seriously questioning my decision to make this ‘quick’ grocery run.

She bounces off to her car. I throw the last bag into the van. Grumbling the whole way, I return the Disaster Cart to the front of the store. I pause thinking that I should memorize the cart manufacturers info. so I can give them a piece of my mind when hunger strikes. We’re outtta here!

So friends, heed my advice –

Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and in need of a potty stop!

Avoid the store on free bread giveaway days.

Never, ever, under any circumstances think that you can conquer the Disaster Cart, a toddler and get though the store in less than thirty minutes – it just doesn’t happen!  

Now, will someone please help me off this seat so I can potty and get something to eat?  Please?