Playing through the pain

Whenever my peers and I suffered through difficult tests, tryouts, performances and other such trials the words “suck it up” and “shake it off” came out of the mouths of our coaches and teachers frequently. I heard them more times than I care to detail here, but I’ve not forgotten.

I knew going into this venture there would be some highs and lows. By venture I mean fill in the blank—writing career, parenthood, life, you get the picture. I also knew it could lead to fun stuff such as back pain, eye strain, anxiety, saggy butt, carpal tunnel, etc. But, as I stop to write this amidst a major push to finish a novel, raise kids with my husband, freelance, maintain a household, be a good citizen of the world, etc., I am struggling.

I know it is time to push through the pain, but there is a good dose of heavy heart with each page I write and every moment I get with my beautiful family this week. I am not sad by the writing or the family, but because I don’t think my grandma will be around long enough to see the full potential of either.

She has been a huge supporter of my endeavors (and sympathizer of the struggles) to be a writer. I am a writer—at least she saw me practicing my craft and shared in the happiness as I became published. But, I hoped so hard this year she would be around to see her great-grandchildren at the holidays, and be around to read her grandchild's first book.

She loves books. I just thought it would be really great to share part of this with her, and I just don’t know if we’ll have the chance. We have so many wonderful memories, times we went to the library, times we surrounded ourselves with books and catalogs. She helped pass her love of books and learning on to my mom, who gave it to me, and my kids. Our children also get some from their dad’s side, thankfully.

So, while I’m saddened we may lose a dear member of our family, I know I need to be thankful. I am thankful. I am thankful for life, family, and so many things. But, I think it is important to recognize she may not hug the babies again, or read another great story, or even my story. And I need to let myself be sad for this for just a little bit. Maybe a miracle will bring her around, I believe it could happen, but if it doesn’t I know she would want us to celebrate her and share our love with others. In fact, I read stories about people making a wish come true for Batkid and the sweet sentiment of one woman interviewed for Humans of New York yesterday and it made me think of my grandma. 

While we all have problems, struggles and pain, spreading love and joy is an important message we could all use to hear.

I’ll grab some tissues, hug and kiss my sweetie and my kids as often as they’ll let me, get back to the work of publishing articles and book(s), and play through the pain. Whatever happens, I plan to encourage my family to spend more time having fun together, playing, sharing, goofing off, reading and celebrating life. These are gifts, cherish them.